The Derptastic story of Egbert and Strider
by Nekobishi
Summary: Some BL . Dave and John.Yeah guys.  Begining might be a tad slow,but after that,raging hormones hot butt secks.awww yeah.
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING:No hot butt secks...YET ,i'm really sorry,hope it doesn't drive you to hate me **

**DISCLAMIER:Own nothing but the plot.**

**we be hussin yo.**

John patiently sits at his cluttered desk , waiting for his best-fucking-friend in the whole-fucking-world to log on to pesterchum.

What could possibly take him so goddamn long? Not that it really mattered,seeing how Dave was always "Fashionably Late " Being the coolest kid on the planet.

Dave really was the coolest thing -or person,if you prefer,but I highly doubt anything,animated or not,could be cooler than this kid-in this universe,most likely .

But to spend his time on a derp like Egbert , made him all the more cooler,if that was even possible!

The bing of pesterchum awoke him from his coolkid daydream , he would much prefer talking to the real thing anytime,hehe!

**TG** : Hey bro,been waiting long?

**TG**: Cause I know you've been waiting

**TG**: for my awesome arrival

EB: Heh!

EB: Maybe a little.

EB: Okay I was

EB: Shutup

**TG**: Chill man it was justa coolkid joke

**TG**: Maybe it was a tad to cool for you

EB: Shut the fuck up!

EB: I actually earned the title of egderp

EB: Unlike you who was born with the title

EB: DAVE STRIDER

EB: aka cool kid

EB: I bet it says so on your birth certificate

**TG**: I earned the title

**TG**: While the stork was flying like a

badass

**TG**:To big Bro

**TG**:the stork specificly said this boy

is immensely cool

**TG** :and at such a young age he will only get cooler throughout the next few minutes

**TG** :and guess what

**TG** :i totally did

EB :haha :P

EB :You are full of nonsensical batshit.

EB :but cool batshit nontheless.

EB :nothing about you can be uncool ,the entire universe would implode.

EB : :P

**TG** :do I detect a man crush arising

I know its been hard on you

**TG** :to keep it a secret

EB :you wish!

EB :even knowing my "appernt"man crush on you , you still admit to loving me.

EB :haha rose even told me,during sburb,you totally said it.I can even find a link hold on.

EB:**TT: I also took a moment to check on John.****  
><strong>**TG: how is he****  
><strong>**TT: I can't see him anymore. Just his empty house.****  
><strong>**TT: But I did talk to him briefly.****  
><strong>**TG: i should probably text him soon****  
><strong>**TG: see whats up****  
><strong>**TG: because****  
><strong>**TG: i love him****  
><strong>**TT: I know.****  
><strong>**TG: so this place youre at now****  
><strong>**TG: its the same place hes at right****  
><strong>**TT: It's hard to say for certain.****  
><strong>**TT: But I think I like it here.**

**TG** :haha man I was worried,cause that meteor attacked you and shit cant a bro worry for his beloved best friend

EB :ok ok

EB :the cool kid doesn't want to admit it

but i'll always keep this

in my heart.

EB :haha IRONY

**TG** :naw man dont even step into that realm

that is not a realm to step into

or skip into...

or arrive in any form of transportation.

**TG** :just no

back away man

EB :hehe!ok chill your sack!

EB :hold on a sec, jade is pestering me

brb

[ectobiologist _ceased pestering _TurntechGodhead ]

Dave put down is phone while he waited for John to pester him again. _Man that kid is so uncool,leaving me here to rot like a stabbed bird during a meteor apocalypse in Texas._

That sounded vaguely familiar..._Oh whatever_ .You walk over to your bed , and look around it , searching for something important .

You pull out a wallet,all fat and stuff with cool is that?

You shuffle through the money , counting enough to fly over to Washington , and visit his best bro .

How cool was he , to go visit his best fucking bro ?Pretty darn cool , if you ask Strider .

You pick up your phone at the desk , and search for flights leaving ASAP , and book the first one you find ,leaving at 6:00 in the damned morning .

_Whatever,it's way cooler to get up earlier than that derp,and surprise him ._

To tell the truth , he was doing something way uncool ,he was stoked to go see his fucking best bro in person.

But as long as noone knew what was on his mind,i guess he could stay cool on the outside... fuck that , he was cool no-matter what he did he-

_ping_

John was pestering him again,finally.

EB :hey!

EB :Dave

EB :im done pestering jade!

EB :DAVE

**TG** :Chill little bro

I was just basking in my own awesome

**TG** :pretty chill right

EB :of course thine royal master Dave,king of the land of cool.

EB:hehe.

**TG** :well whatever I need to sleep

gonna wake up early tomorrow morning

EB : lol why?I though you were to cool to wake up early

EB : :P

**TG** :Shutup Egderp

Youll see in the we hours of the morning

EB:heh

EB :COOL.

Now go sleep

Gnight bro :P

**TG** :Sure

**TG** :Yes i know i am whats the point in stating the already obvious obvious

**TG** :...

Gnight

[ectobiologist _ceased pestering _TurntechGodhead ]


	2. Chapter 2

**-yawns-pretty short,i know,to the non-existing folk who are reading this.**

**But to me,short is good.**

**Oh and sorry for any OOCness,tried D:**

**Anyway,enjoy what you can. :I**

John grunted,rolling over in his bed , kicking off what was left of the covers.

"Pffsnarrgdurrmmmmz"

Dave left the base of the window as he snickered.

_Little derp,even while he's sleeping._

This badass was climbing through John's window.

LIKE A BOSS.

He woke up at 4:00 this morning,and threw his multiple baseball tee's in a suitcase,along with his red boxers,and some black skinny jeans.

He texted his big bro to come take him to the airport ,but of course,bro wouldn't let him leave without a good ass-whooping .

A few black eyes and broken ribs later , him and big bro hopped into their creepy-ass van ,and drove on to the airport.

Dave ,upon arrival at the airport , finds a seat in B13 , his departure Station.

Or whatever that place you wait to board your plane is .He set's his suitcase down,only to realize that he his practically falling asleep .

_What an uncool thing to do..._

_Better find some coffee before this gets any uncooler._

Dave sets off to multiple cafes , looking for a starbucks. Anything less expensive would be , yet again,LAME,so he continued on looking ,until what was desired poped up in the corner of his shaded eye.

_Thats _what he needed.

Good-old Starbucks .That place was almost as cool as he was. The place was made for him .

He could practically see his name, DAVE-FUCKING-STRIDER , in neon lights,right above that naked mermaid lady thing .

But enough of this daydreaming .Daylight was awaisting,and he needed his freaking coffee.

He walked right up to the cash register,not even needing to wait in line(even if there was no line)and ordered a grande caramel frappacinno with extra whipped cream and caramel.

"_On the double."_

"Will that be all for you,_sir?"_

Dave raised one eyebrow,hearing the cashier gasp , and turned away to collect his grande caramel frappacinno with extra whipped cream ,and strode out of that place ,like MJ moonwalking right before his huge pelvic thrust .

He took a sip of his frapp.

**FMMMOOOSHHH** _-sound of sipping-_

That hit the spot,perfect every time.

Exactly an hour later,Dave was knocked out on a plane ride to Washington.

* * *

><p>John looked at Dave . What was he doing?Why was he here?<p>

Either way he was way hotter in real life,and was really turning him on.

_Hnnggggg_

John mumbled in his sleep,as the dream Dave straddled his hips.

"_**Dave**_ what are you _doing_?"

Finally voicing his thoughts.

Dave smirked at John below , only to see him blushing from ear to ear.

* * *

><p>Dave awoke to someone poking at his side.<p>

His right one to be exact.

"What up ,man?"

Dave turned to look at some pretty cool -and familiar-dude,wearing an orange baseball tee and a fluffy orange scarf.

"You getting off at Seattle?"

Dave nodded , a coolkid way of saying yes,for those of you nerds who don't know what cool body language is.

"Yeah well the planes gonna be there in exactly 15-wait 14 minutes,and i wanted to make sure a cool dude like you doesn't miss his destination."

"Thanks bro."

They parted with a fist bump.

With the 14 minutes-plus time it took to get off the fucking plane,so lets make it 27-He recapped on the dream he just had.


	3. Chapter 3

Dave shuffled out of the -wait.

He was suppose to be recapping something?

What was it...

He stood there , blocking the exit from the other attendants.

Oh!That's right,he was going to remember that creepy gay dream he had...

* * *

><p>He smirked at the adorable John below him,liking the feel of his thighs on the smaller ones hips.<p>

"D..Dave...wha..what?"

Oh stuttering was fucking _adorable._

When the fuck did Egderp become cute?

He forced his weight down on John , giving him a light kiss on his soft ,trembling lips,silencing any other protest's about to escape his , well , _adorable_ mouth.

John,seeming to give up any thought of resistance , moved his hands to touch the sides of the blonde's glasses.

Dave suddenly parted , taken aback , at this abrupt notion , but was to late.

The sunglasses had come off.

* * *

><p>That was about the time the cool stranger woke him up.<p>

Thinking about it now,the dream wasn't distasteful at all.

Well,other than the part were his glasses came off.

That was totally uncool of dream John.

_Maybe he actually liked John?_

This really didn't bother him,the thought of possibly being a homo , but what was really bothering him was the fact he was starting to like a dork like John.

Well,something had to balance out his coolness,maybe this was it.

Either way,he would make sure of his feelings when he got to John's place.

Maybe even do some investigating.

"Excuse me sir but th-"

Dave turned his pokerface toward the flight attendant , stopping her mid-sentence.

Silencing the chatter in the cabin as well.

"Pardon me miss."

He added a little _Texan twang _in there,for extra charming affect.

He -making like his last name-_**str**__ode_ off the plane

+100xp

As he made his way past the crowded waiting area , he was approached by a group of girls.

_-giggle giggle-_

"Hiiiiiii,so ,we like,saw you standing there,and we were wondering,if you ,like,needed any help..."

He looked down at her.

"Naw ,its all cool."

She forced her self closer into his personal bubble. Seriously not cool.

"Hehehe , well,like,my names,Fefari,so um...yeah."

What the fuck kind of a name is that?

Whatever,he wasn't the type to judge anyhow.

Just when he was about to ditch them , another girl in the group,skipped up in front of Fefari,and started;

"So...wacha doing in Washington?Oh yeah,you can call me Nepeta!"

And she struck a pose,with her hands rounded into what seemed like paws,her elbows up.

Dave really needed,and wanted,to go,but theses weird girls were totally fucking up his escape.

"Nice to meet you and all,but I kinda need to ge-"

_Another_ girl-godamn,how many were there?-put a finger on his lips to shoosh him.

"What could you possibly have to do that's more important than us?"

Theses chicks were getting crazier the more he stood there,and furthermore,the current girl looked like she was going to whip out a chainsaw and cut him in freaking half,so he decided to play it safe.

"Well..."He started ,removing her finger"...my grandpa...he's dying in the hospital"

He added in a little sinffle

"and I...i wanted to go visit him...i..in his last hours...he was like a father to me!"

He wiped at an invisible tear on his cheek,and turned to leave the silenced girls.

_**Problem Solved**_

but then the complete and utter unimaginable happened. The cat girl threw her arms around his waist and started sobbing.

The only thing he could do was stand there as his shirt started to soak.

"III..."

-SOBBS-

"...I AM SOOOO"

-SOBBS-

"SORRY!"

He couldn't turn around to face her,so he tried turning his head around for her to hear.

"Uh...it's cool."

The other girls pried the sobbing girl of his back,so he took this chance to finally escape.

He grabbed at his suitcase - totally unrealizing he put it down- and booked it to the escalators.

When he finally found his way to the exit,he got into the first cab he saw,and he was off.

The drive to John's humble abode was about 2 hours from the airport , so all in all it was an uncool ride to Egbert's,but when he finally got there,he came up with a super cool plan.

He payed the taxi driver,and walked to the side of the house,were he knew John's window was.(How he knew,don't ask ,you can call it best bro intuition.)

The 2 story building had a tree snaking along the side , right to the base of Egderp's window.

Dave also noticed his window was cracked open , like he was begging Dave to climb up into his room.

He proceeded climbing the tree one handed,having his suitcase in the other hand,and after many scratches and curses,finally got to the window.

The blonde forced the window open ,and threw his suitcase inside,not even bothering to check were or what it hit,and climbed through after it.

He had to admit,he was pretty exhausted,from the plane ride,and the creepy girls,to finally climbing a fucking tree.

This definitely gave him the title of Fucking Badass Best Friend in the entire fucking universe.

For the second time today,falling in a heap on the floor,he fell asleep in the warm summer air of his best friends house.

A few secounds later,John awoke to the sound of something slamming into his bedroom wall.

He sat up,only to see a Dave Strider,past out on the floor.

* * *

><p>He awoke to someone shaking him ,laughing, crying and screaming<p>

"DAVE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?HOW DID YOU GET HERE AND WHY?"

Dave collected himself and answered

"Dude,chill.I'm Here for a visit,obviously."

"But why?How did you get here?"

"Through the window."

"Well I know that **_but how_**?Did you take a plane?Why did you visit?Was it long?"

_Godamn,enough with the derp questions!_

"Of course I came on a plane,and why else would I come here to this lame-ass town,other than to see my best-fucking-friend and bro ?"

Dave smacked him upside the head.

John stopped shaking him violently,and stared for a while.

After a moment he threw himself at Strider,giving him this huge-ass nerdy hug.

"OMIGOD I AM SO HAPPYYYYYYYY."

"Mfffptthhhhrrrrrt."

"Oh sorry man,didn't meanto suffocate you."

John realesed him from his death grip,allowing them a proper look at each other.

_Damn,this kid is cute,buckteeth ,glasses,and all._

He took note John was only wearing boxers,blue ones with green print of some sort of bug,and felt a tiny blush on the bridge of his nose.

_Calm down self,you have a while to make him fall for you._

* * *

><p><em>Wow...he is super hot,how could I have never noticed before?Oh wait...i haven't seen him in real life before...<em>

John reasoned with himself.

Other than their occasional webcam conversations,and sburb,they hardly knew how the other looked.

Both took it all in,staring at each other,untill Dave being the coolkid he was,broke the silence.

"So,got and cake?"


	4. Chapter 4

**WARNING**

Shit finally goes down,and the writing style completely changes,hope it isnt to annoying D:

I was writing this int the middle of the night too,so sorry for OOC and weird grammer

* * *

><p>The next day Dave spent following John around his little town,listening to all the places they could go and the things they could do.<p>

There was the Lazer Tag place across from the puny mall.

And the pizza place a block away from it,but we shouldn't go there because the manager is fat and gross and looks like she lives with the pizza and -

It wasn't very much , but Dave was happy just to see the silly grin floating on John's face and listen to him prattle on about nonsense.

He practically bounced each step as he described the Arcade , Bookstore and -once again – the puny mall.

Pretty cute .

After a few more hours of this,Dave remembered his morning dream .He recalled the weird homo feelings he had fondled with .So finally on impulse he did the most drastic

thing any ironic love-stricken character would do.

He grabbed John by the shoulders,spun him around to face him , and gave him a kiss.

He kissed John.

He kissed John on his silly grin , stopping him mid-nerdy-sentence .

It was a pretty awkward kiss , but a kiss nonetheless.

John flew back in hysteria,and started stuttering illegible words ,the only words of which Dave caught were "Public" and "gay",so he grabbed John's little wrist's -and

damn were they small,he needed to eat more- and pushed through a small crowd in line for the movies.

Dave dragged the smaller boy along , and to an ally between the cinema and another building.

"DAVEWHATTHEFUCKWASTHATICAN'TEVENWHATWHYYIDONTGETIT-"

Dave placed a finger on his lips,shooshing him,pushed up his glasses and said -

"I gave you a kiss,chill out."

John flipped out once again after that.

"HOW CAN I CHILLTHAT WAS IN PUBLIC,AND I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL."

Dave let out an annoyed sigh.

"You will be,after I ask you to date me."

John ceased his mindless ranting to stare into Dave's shades,wonder what the fuck he could possibly be thinking behind those things.

He opened and closed his mouth a few times,trying to form words related to his thoughts.

To explain to Dave this cannot be happening.

This was weird,him having that dream and thinking of Dave that way...

It was insane! He did not feel that way for his best friend!

What if it doesn't work out and they could never -

Dave put his hands on John's shoulders once again.

"You really need to calm down,you're going to hurt yourself."

"But...Dave i'm freaked out!I'm freaked out okay?I don't understand whats happening and I can't comprehend..."

Dave forced another kiss onto the other boys lips.

He enjoyed the feeling of his slightly chapped lips,they were warm and inviting , and he would have done more right there in that alleyway if not for an interruption.

"HAHA FAGS!LOOK MAN,THEY'RE FUCKIN FAGS!"

"Thut the fuck up,dude,you're fuckin gay to."

"Hehehehe man so true – honk- "

Then a voice from the front of the cinema came.

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS IM GONA SHOVE A RUSTY SPOON INTO YOUR ASSES IF YOU MAKE ME LATE FOR THIS FUCKING PREMIER."

"Calm your thit dude,we're jutht having a nithe converthathion with these-"

"Hehehehe -honk-"

"What tha fuck man?Whatever, letth go before karkat geth even more like a whiney bith,heh"

"Honk."

"Yeah man,that to."

They left as quickly ad they came.


	5. Chapter 5

John stood there in awe , first at the creepy guy who he had just seen in clown make-up , and then at

Dave.

Dave who had just kissed him.

"Egbert"

This was so weird , what was going on?

"Egbert"

He wasn't sure if he was okay with this , Dave and him have been best friends since Sburb,they couldn't

possibly have a relationshi-

"EGBERT"

John jumped at his name.

"Godamn man , you'de think you would pay a little more attention to the guy who you just made-out

with."

John didn't answer,he just widened his eyes at him , before dashing out of the alley ,with a surprised

Dave on his John kept running wind began to pick up,disheveling his hair and knocking off

his tripped on the sidewalk in front of some lowly lit shop he couldn't make out the sign of.

"JOHN!

John,are you okay?Did you hurt yours-"

"STAY AWAY FROM ME."

Dave's heart skipped a beat,hands hovering over John.

"YOU ARE TRYING TO RUIN US,YOU WHERE MY BEST FRIEND."

With that John started to sob into the concrete of the cold sidewalk,he was so confused,his head hurt

and he was short of couldn't think straight and all he could see where fuzzy blurs moving

before his half-opend got onto his hands and knees ready to finally get up to fetch his

glasses,but he was roughly pushed back down onto his stomach , knocking the wind out of him and

slamming his chin onto the sidewalk.

He blacked out to Dave's voice yelling ;

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU."

When John finally came to, he was being carried princess style by Dave,rocking him back and forth in

time to his started to cry again , little stifled tears , running down his face and dropping onto

his shirt.

He clutched Dave's shirt all the way to the hospital,where he blacked out again .

When he awoke for the second time , there where bright lights and white sheets surrounding him .

He felt something on his chin , and reached out to touch it , but was interrupted by a sullen voice in the

corner of the room.

There sat Dave , head bandaged and pants ripped .

"You shouldn't be touching that."

John stayed silent as he eyed Strider , not knowing how to reply.

Dave's wounds finally sunk in , and Egbert sat straight up , ignoring the sharp pain in his head .

"What happened Dave?You should be laying down,you look awful!"

Dave smirked ,

"Well thanks a lot to me .

"Well I didn't mean it like that!You jus-"

Strider shooshed him.

"Chill out bro,i get it,can't you take a joke?"

He chuckled as he made his way to John's bedside ; sitting down and makeing John tip into the little

pool he had made in the process.

"Did you really mean it?Do you think i'm trying to ruin us?"

He removed his shades , which were somehow still in perfect condition , and looked at John with

startling red eyes.

"Dave I'm so-"

Dave silenced him once again with a finger on the lips.

"I don't mind if you hate me now , just knowing you think of me strongly is good enough for me."

John looked up in suprise with his big blue eyes , only being able to focus on Dave's face with the

absence of his glasses (and still kinda freaked out by his eye color )

"I don't hate you dave..."

Dave disregarded what he had said, and continued on :

"When I saw those guys ready to beat you , my blood started to boil and I couldn't blows I took

to the head , I couldn't feel any of it , it was pretty cool."

"Dave you are so stupid."

"And it only took me a day to realize how much in love a person could be,fucking ironic ,huh?"

Dave shifted uncomfortably , making the bed squeak ,and waited for John to speak.

John started to cry lightly again.

"I'm sorry Dave...I'm so stupid for getting you hurt like that!It's all my fault if I wasn't so stupid i-"

Dave put an awkward hand on John's head , petting his hair as he continued:

"I was just confused and I didn't know how to was so weird , Dave I could never hate you."

John blushed and looked down.

"You are so emotional , need to calm down or your concussion will get worse."

John blushed even redder and mumbled something.

"Dude,what?"

"I said I want a kiss you idiot."

Dave was taken aback(all though you couldn't tell through his shades)and leaned in very,very

slowly,taking care not to frreak out the derp.

Their lips brushed against each others for a secound , both taking in each other .

John's lips where softer and sweeter this time , and Dave could feel his buckteeth through them.

John could feel a slight crack in Dave's dry lips,but they were warm and inviting non the less.

They pulled apart,and looked at each other.

You could almost say lovingly.


End file.
